The Old Man's Approval

A few years shy away from forty, there is a part of me that still wants my father's approval. Well, not my biological father. I love my father, maybe too much. In terms of our actual relationship, we are strangers to one another.

Though we are "father and son," we don't know each other as men. I am not sure with what, if any, regret I have about it. It ceased being a sore spot in my life a long time ago. It may be more accurate to write, there is a part of that wants a "father figure's" approval.

Much of my life has been spent attempting to fill that need for approval through a variety of other means. A number of years of therapy has helped me to realize how I previously transferred that need for a father figure's approval into relationships with women.

In my younger years, I was unfair to the women with whom I couldn't commit. I blamed them for what was missing in the relationship. I didn't realize it was my unwillingness to be honest about my baggage. I think I am doing it now.

Outside of my personal relationships with women, I sought to transfer my need for approval into a need to achieve. The need to succeed can become compulsive like a drug that never meets the underlying emotional void. Over the years through a lot of hard work, sacrifice, and sheer determination, I like the man that I have become. I am a stand up guy.

This morning I had a conversation with my primary male mentor. He has been as important in my life as my biological father, if not more so. Despite some tensions between us over the years exacerbated by my previous anger at my biological father, I have always appreciated him. Even when I wasn't speaking to him, I thought about him constantly. I think he was surprised by how much of what he taught me, I remembered.

Today, I received from him the greatest gift that one man can give to another: his respect. He told me he was proud of me. That meant probably more to me than anything he has ever said. I guess no matter what age a man becomes, he needs another man to tell him he's done well. I got the old man's approval. It feels damn good!