I am often surprised by the honesty and vulnerability of the women with whom I work with in support groups. The groups are designed to empower women to improve the quality of their lives by learning new coping skills and working through the difficult issues of the past. Consistently, these difficult issues revolve around various forms of abuse often involving the men in their lives, i.e. husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers. It goes without saying that it probably is as challenging for the women in the group, as it is for me, to serve as the group's facilitator.
The primary form by which the group members communicate with each other is through sharing their stories. Their accounts are often situated around painful, traumatic events. The unfortunate enduring consequence of these events are the life lessons that these women developed in terms of negative self-esteem images around their value, as women. Understandably, many of these women struggle with anger, depression, anxiety and other mental health issues which in some instances can lead them to engage in harmful behaviors such as eating disorders, chemical addictions, and physically harming themselves.
My primary stance with these groups is to be an empathetic, non-judgmental presence. I am there to listen, to offer support, encourage, and empower. Empowering, to be sure, is more than just offering re-assurance. Sometimes it requires challenging the negative assumptions the women make about themselves; for instance, like helping them to see that they can expect to be treated fairly by the men in their lives including the absence of emotional, physical and sexual violence. Other times, challenging calls into question decisions they are currently making that seem to perpetuate their dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Regrettably, some of these women assume that "this is just how it is," and they will never have more.
This work isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it's quite painful. Personally, it has caused me to re-examine many of the relationships I have with women in my life. Like any man, I am guilty of taking for granted certain things about the women that I care about in my life. And, while I think some of those expectations may be culturally conditioned or an expression of how the different genders relate, the fact is that they are there. I suppose that even the most consciousness man must vigilantly confront some level of sexism in his being.
I do think that one of the positive contributions I make to the women in the support groups I lead is that for a few hours they get to experience a man that is intentionally attempting to be responsive to their feelings. I try my best to validate their attitudes, assumptions and beliefs about that which matters most to them. Said more directly, I am offering care without wanting anything in return other than to see these women become the best of what they want to be.
Likewise, I continue to offer them care when their wounds are so deep they may never be able to fully recover from the abuse. In a small way, maybe by being there for them, they may learn they can be there for themselves. Perhaps, for me, it's one more attempt to contribute to pushing the balance a wee bit to the good. In some sense, I get to right some of the wrongs I have unintentionally caused the women in my life previously because I was too busy being a man.
