I had a startling revelation a couple of weeks ago following my recent birthday. Not only am I getting older, but the women I date are getting older, too. I have been largely ambivalent about getting married and having children. Many women in my age range are married with children, some divorcing, and others are getting pass the age of having children. I may become the cliche older guy that has to date a younger woman to have a family. Even with my tendency towards rebellion, I don't see myself doing the whole "baby daddy" thing.
I recently met someone in the dating pool. It's way too early to make any decisions about whether we are going to have a relationship. She is a single mother with a 10-year-old. When talking about our aspirations, dreams and hopes, I have to mention the possibility of wanting to get married (someday), and having a biological child of my own. She's in her early 30s, and open to having another child. It seems like the days where I use to talk about finishing a graduate degree, looking for a position that pays well, and finding myself are well...over.
I'm still trying to find myself. My youthful angst is giving way to an almost midlife crisis. The intruding gray hairs into my dreadlocks and beard is proof enough that I'm closer to forty than thirty. Incidentally, I can handle that I am getting older. What I can't handle is that I still can't grow a full length beard.
How come no one ever told me guys have a ticking biological clock? I don't know how I can imagine having a wife and kids when I have not come to terms with my fear of commitment. Maybe I should buy a dog, as practice for learning to take care of someone other than myself.
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