I need to acknowledge that I have a propensity to exaggerate the negative side of an issue. Optimism is not the first place I go when faced with disappointment. While regrettable that I could not attend the retreat, it was not the end of the world. At least, to the rationale mind. Still, I woke up the morning of the retreat at home and in a bad mood. Somewhere between a temper tantrum and a quasi-depressive state of mind, I had a minor pity party where I was both the guest and host.
Deep down I knew what was bothering me. It wasn't the retreat, though I did want to be a part of it. I was coming up on the third anniversary of a particularly troubling time in my life and ministry around the time the retreat had been scheduled. Some years ago, I was the rector (pastor) of an aging congregation where I fought daily battles against a vocal minority that disagreed with my leadership style and the direction with which I was taking the church. These naysayers were mean spirited and quite cruel in their attempts to get me to resign.
Looking back, my contributions to the dysfunction that I can see is that I was a bit head strong and anxious to prove something to myself, and might have been more abrasive in my leadership than needed. And yet, I was also caught in situation with a once prominent church facing serious decline and irrelevancy, because they would not address the hard issues before them. This congregation had an inordinate amount of anger, grief, and fear that far surpassed the limited experience I had to manage this situation.
Fraught with a lack of support and understanding from my superiors, I was sidelined from my work for 90 days by a baseless accusation from a disgruntled employee. While eventually resolved in my favor, my detractors used this as the final straw to ask me to leave the congregation. Rather than respond in care to the difficulty I had encountered, they chose to abandon me and consciously withhold the care that I could have used from them.
Like quite a number of people, I am a causality of the church's inability to practice what it preaches. There is an old saying that the church is the only army that shoots its wounded. So, fast forward to last month, my inability to be a part of the Chicago retreat set up a scenario where I was having to fight against the perception that I was once again being sidelined from a community and work that I cared a great deal about.
I got it together in a day or so that no one was against me, I wasn't a failure, or any of the stuff I was tempted to tell myself. More so, when the calendar day of my anniversary actually came around, I had a great day. The sun was shining. I had a full day of teaching students and counseling patients. I was in a great mood. Perhaps, a few scars have healed, though by no means all.
It occurred to me recently that by attempting to see beyond the pain of a past I can't change, I could focus on a present that was actually better than anything I have ever experienced up to this point. I believe I am at a point in my life where what I do matters. I have some measure of autonomy around my career and personal life that is important to me. And, in a small way, I think what I do makes a difference.
I am pushing the balance a little bit to the good, as a priest, teacher and counselor. I hope I have enough humility to accept those moments I don't measure up to what I aspire to be. It helps me then to forgive others that that failed me knowing that despite my best intentions, I too have hurt and failed others. And, I remain committed to do what is normally good enough with a couple of extra steps in between.
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