Confession

I am preparing to offer my confession in a few days. Unlike Roman Catholics, Episcopalians have the option of confessing their sins privately to a priest, but it is not mandated. It is offered as a form of pastoral care. Since I am a Franciscan Tertiary (I live under the Rule of St. Francis at home, I'm not a celibate friar), I am mandated by our rule to make my confession at least once a year. By the way, Episcopalians technically refer to confession as the "Rite of Reconciliation of a Penitent."

I am getting anxious thinking about it, because I'm not sure exactly what I want to confess. It isn't that I don't have issues or problems; I just am not sure what is worth discussing. Sure, let's assume the obvious, for example. I think about attractive women, alot. It seems rather old fashioned to identify it as lust, but I am not sure what else to call it.

It's not like I want to tell the priest about trips I use to make to the strip club back in my early 20s with my friends. That's kind of embarssing. Not that I went to the club, mind you. That was fun. I just don't want to talk about sex in the house of the Lord. I am assuming it doesn't count what I use to do in college, because that was years ago, right?

Admittely, in terms of other moral failings, I'm not always the most even tempered person. I am prone to hold grudges against others. I wrestle with being nice to people I don't like or that don't like me. Truth be told, I have a tendency to be self-centered and self-involved.

Again, is that worth telling another person? It is stating the obvious. I'm generally pretty honest with myself, or as much as I can be. I like myself, but I am not blind to my faults. I am kind of surprised when others pretend they don't have faults. After years of therapy, I'm use to discussing embarrassing things about myself with another person.

Despite all my sophistication and open mindedness about psychology and 21st century morality, there is still that infantile part of me that wants to square things with the "big man/woman upstairs" just in case I've been wrong all these years. Still, even with all my theological training and supposed understanding, I feel awkward talking to a priest about things that either I talk about in therapy or laugh about with my buddies.

My priest-confessor wants to use Form II in the Book of Common Prayer (Episcopal prayer book) when we meet. He thinks it is more demonstrative of God's grace than Form I (which is pretty hard line and old school). I am fond of the words of invitation in Form II the priest makes before hearing my sin: "May God in his {her} loving kindness enlighten your heart, that you may remember in truth all yours sins and his {her} unfailing mercy" (BCP, p. 449). It's the emphasis on G-d's mercy that I think is pretty cool.

I don't really believed G-d is keeping score of anything that I will say about my sins. I figure s/he already knows. I do believe that whatever we mean by G-d is by nature is compassionate and understanding. I just want to hear it from another person after I tell them what a screw up I am. It feels good knowing I'll be told I'm all right after all. Yep, no matter what I say, the priest has got to bless me. That's very cool. I'll try to listen for the part that says sin more more, but I am a sinner after all, lol.